“We begin, where we must, with parents. When all is said and done, mothers and fathers are the first and most essential teachers. It’s in the home that children must be clothed, fed and loved. This is the place where life’s most basic lessons will be learned. No outside program – no surrogate or substitute arrangement – however well planned or well intended, can replace a supportive family that gives the child emotional security and a rich environment for learning.” (Boyer, Ernest. 1991) Sadly, a large percentage of children in the United States will not always have both parents at home to give them love and guidance. National statistics show that the number of children raised in a one-parent home has grown from 12 percent in 1970 to more than 28 percent in 1996 (Census Bureau 1998 Report). This is correlated to a current national divorce rate of more than 40 percent in 2002. In fact, the Census Bureau has predicted that more than 50 percent of all first marriages will result in divorce. William Bennett, former United States Secretary of Education stated, “Divorce adds up to a national parenting deficit. There is no doubt that positive co-parenting and civility between divorced parents is in the best interest of our children.” An increasing number of studies focus on the effects of divorce and single parent households today. Experts list problems ranging from increased behavior problems to depression and suicide as more likely to occur in children of divorced/single parent homes. While these figures and ideas are disheartening, some studies offer suggestions and methods for creating a safe environment for our children during and after divorce. The following is a brief highlight of that information. Books, videos and other materials on this and related topics are available from the Kimball Family Advocate, the public library, the Internet, ECFE programs, and even county human services departments. Some of the recommendations include the following. o Perhaps the most important message given by experts is that parents should not bad mouth their ex in front of the children. No matter the situation, your ex-spouse is still your children’s parent. When you bad mouth the other parent, your children internalize that and apply it to themselves. o Coordinate an exact schedule for visitation hours and do not be late. Children of divorce often have feelings of abandonment – waiting for a parent who is late reinforces those feelings of loss. o Do not use your child as a messenger or pump them for information. Your child does not need to “choose sides.” Children should be allowed to love both parents. After all, they didn’t ask for a divorce. o When discussing parenting differences with your ex, do not do so in front of your child. They do not need to be part of an argument. Adult business needs to remain adult business. It is not your child’s job to mediate fights. o Make sure your children know that they are not the cause for the divorce or separation. Remind them that they are loved and the separation was an adult decision brought about by adult actions, not theirs. o Remember to talk to your child about their feelings. They are hurting, probably more than you are. Children do not always know how to express these feelings and will act out behaviorally. Talking with them will help. There are many parent support resources in the area. If you would like more information, contact Sara Watts, Kimball Family Advocate, at (320) 398-7700, ext. 207.
