No one likes to talk about death or dying in most cultures. It?Äôs frowned upon to bring it up, and almost taboo to ask questions.
Without learning about it, and talking about it, though, how do we know how to deal with it?
With the death last week of my dad, and the 30-year process it took him to reach his final end point on Earth, my perspective on the subject has changed. Often. I?Äôm sharing here some of the important things I?Äôve observed and learned so far; I?Äôm sure there?Äôs lots more yet to come.
I share them as a way to start a conversation, one that many avoid. And I hope that those of you who know lots more about this will feel more free to have these discussions.
?Ä¢ I firmly believe that there is a special place in heaven for those who work with the dying. And kindergarten teachers. The patience and tenderness required for both of those underappreciated professions is far beyond most of our capacity.
?Ä¢ There?Äôs no single way to die, and no right way to deal with death. Every individual will be different, and trying to compare or judge one another is futile.
?Ä¢ Very little in life, if anything, is just like the movies. Serious illness, hospitals, the process of dying, and death itself are no exception. The meaningful last words, while peacefully and beautifully slipping away, while an orchestra plays your loved one into the next world, is pure Hollywood. Dying can be loud, and messy, and take more than an hour and 45 minutes, like in the movies.
?Ä¢ Death isn?Äôt exclusive to the old or the chronically ill. We?Äôve learned that all too frequently in our area over the past few years! Talk to each other amongst your families about what you desire after you?Äôre gone. Is there a place you want to be buried? Do you want to be cremated, or not? Is there a song or a scripture you definitely want as part of a service to remember you? Or maybe you firmly don?Äôt want any kind of service? Make sure your loved ones know about this long before anyone will need to know. It seems like a terribly uncomfortable discussion but, trust me, everyone will be happy you had it. (You don?Äôt have to plot out every detail of your final plans, just make your important wishes known. And you can always change your mind as your tastes and your life change.)
?Ä¢ There are tools available to you to help you make plans, some are more formal than others. Funeral homes welcome pre-need planning, and that can change with you too. Your church may have tools to help you as well. And there are lots of helpful books on grief.
?Ä¢ Ask for help when you need it. People want to help, and may not know how. Ask. And accept help.
?Ä¢ Communication is even more important than usual at this point in life. Make sure everyone understands which one family member is responsible for decisions, and that person can seek input from other family members if they wish or are able. Multiple family members acting or speaking on behalf of the patient creates chaos, and chaos is really bad here.
Below are some general tips that are topmost on my mind at this particular time, as some family has gathered already, and other family is on their way here for the funeral. It might help you to keep some of these in mind, starting now. That?Äôs my hope, anyway, to help.
?Ä¢ Take lots of photos, and let
others photograph you! At some point, for all of us, those photos may be all that will be left for people to remember us.
?Ä¢ Keep family communications open, and civil. You just never know what can happen all of a sudden, and that?Äôs not the time to try to patch up ancient wounds and rifts.
?Ä¢ Participate fully in life. Engage with the people around you. Don?Äôt wait for conditions to be ?Äúright,?Äù just jump in and live life with gusto. Take that trip. Eat dessert first.
?Ä¢ If your hard-earned belongings are important to you, let someone know what you want done with them when you?Äôre gone. Otherwise, what you consider your dearest treasure may end up in a garage sale, or worse.
Regardless of your beliefs, death is a transition to what comes next, and it is a natural part of our existence on this planet. We?Äôre born, we live life the best we can, and then we die. Like they say, ?ÄúNone of us is getting out of this alive.?Äù
Most of all, and I?Äôve written this dozens of times: Be kind to each other, and be kind to yourself. A little kindness can mean the world to someone at just the right time.