“My child would never do that!” Most parents have made that statement and most have lived to regret it. Happily, there are effective responses to most instances of problem behavior that our kids would “never” do. The following research from the Search Institute and advice from family therapist Pam Meliste, parent/ character educator Peggy Adkins and parent/journalist Laura Hall might prove helpful for those times when “never” becomes “now.” Much of their advice requires that parents take a strong stance and demand acceptable behavior. Parents that provide consistent boundaries are usually described as authoritative, being demanding but also responsive to positive and negative behaviors. Peer pressure Peers are known to have a strong influence on teens’ behavior. Of the many studies of the impact of peers on teen behavior, more of these have examined the influence of negative peer behavior than have looked at positive peer behavior. However, studies have found that youth who model positive behavior (such as striving to get good grades or helping others) would be most likely to promote similarly positive behaviors among their peers. If your teen is facing negative peer pressure, monitor the situation closely. Talk with your teen frequently to first learn about friends, the topics they discuss and the kinds of activities in which they participate. Encourage your teen to take a stand to do what is right when pressured to do something that makes him or her uncomfortable. Actually practice what your teen can say to peers to clearly communicate that he or she will not be pressured into doing anything questionable. If your teen cannot do this he or she should not continue to spend time with those peers exerting the pressure to engage in negative behaviors. If left in this situation, your teen’s peers may very well wear down his resolve to do the right thing. Moral courage is a vital element of integrity. Discuss integrity (stand up for what is right, regardless of what is happening around you) with your teen. Watch a relevant movie together (“The Patriot” or “Braveheart” might work). Discuss the importance of standing for something. Encourage your teen to think of the person he or she most respects and imagine that person is watching his or her every action. Help him or her envision themselves as a person of moral courage. Share John F. Kennedy’s book “Profiles in Courage” and other inspirational literature. Assure your teen that having a good reputation is more important than a peer who wants him to do the wrong thing. Lying Sons and daughters, even those of us who are now adults, have been known to lie. Teens lie to avoid punishment, or the threat of it. Trying to get them to admit lying or other wrongdoing may only result in more lying. Quietly gather the facts. Establish your case and then confront your son or daughter with the facts. Once trust is damaged by lying, it is up to the teen to prove their trustworthiness. Explain ways this can be done, such as being where they are supposed to be on time and being scrupulously honest. And more importantly, model honesty in everything you do and say. Ask your teen to get a dictionary and list every definition for true, truth, integrity, courage, honor, honesty, trustworthiness, trustworthy, candor, deceit, lie, deceive, dishonesty, mislead, connive, fabricate, steal, cheat and sneak. Hold all privileges until the list is completed. Discuss the words with your son or daughter. If lying reoccurs repeat the assignment and require sample sentences with each definition. Get a written or verbal commitment on plans for improvements. Praise progress and be honest yourself. Parents need to set clear boundaries If you take the time to set up some boundaries and expectations for your teen you will likely reap the rewards of their positive behavior. Boundaries and ex-pectations are the rules, standards and norms pertaining to behavior. Specifically, they are the rules and regulations that address what young people can and cannot do and the consequences for breaking those rules. Teens need a clear sense of the rules or limits in the various settings in which they live and interact. Research generally confirms that boundaries and expectations have a positive impact on teens. As parents, we can provide those boundaries and expectations now or never expect the behavior that was never described to our teen.
