‘Slices of Life’ Flu fears create a novel, germ-focused culture

Flu fears create a novel, germ-focused culture

By: Jill Pertler

H1N1. The flu. I cannot, will not, must not get the flu.

You’ve heard it on the news. Read about it in the papers. The swine flu (which you cannot get from pigs) is expected soon. In fact, it may already be here. Even the name – H1N1 – sounds cryptic, scary and downright germ-laden. Oink!

Enough of the swine whine. I will think healthy thoughts.

Medical professionals tell us there are certain things we should do to prevent the flu. I will do those and more because I do not have time for the flu. I must avoid germs at all costs. In my quest for a sanitary life, I am going whole hog and making needed and necessary changes to the environment around me.

I have wiped all household surfaces with a bleach solution. I carry disinfectant wipes in my car and purse. I have stocked up on flu medicine – just in case.

Still, it is difficult to eliminate all germs from one’s life. My family is a big part of the problem. They spread germs like candy at a parade and would just as soon live in a pigsty as an orderly bedroom. I can beat them at their game. I am armed and ready for battle and have a gallon jug of hand sanitizing gel to prove it. If anyone at my house shows so much as an inkling of illness, I quarantine them and take the necessary measures.

My husband sneezed last Tuesday; I haven’t kissed him since. My oldest son coughed; I went out and bought us all new toothbrushes. My daughter had a sore throat; I made her gargle with industrial strength antiseptic mouthwash. My youngest son was feeling sniffly; I threw a box of Kleenex at him Brett Favre style and dived behind the couch while shielding myself with spray from a can of Lysol.

We wear latex gloves at mealtimes. We have a container of disinfectant wipes sitting by the phone so we can sanitize before saying hello; another is next to the computer mouse so we can clean before we click. I’ve taught them to pull their sleeve over their hand before touching a doorknob, and to put their noses into the crook of their elbows before sneezing. Biting nails is a punishable offense. We are learning to flush with our feet.

It’s created a new culture, this H1N1. At church we wave at one another instead of shaking hands when sharing the peace. Hugging would be blatantly pig-headed.

This fall, the schools sent their back-to-school lists with one additional item: a container of disinfectant wipes. I sent in two, because I wouldn’t want any child’s germs to be left behind.

The grocery store offers the disposable sanitizing cloths next to the carts so patrons can wipe their handle clean of piggish germs. My handles are some of the cleanest in town.

Today on the news they recommended we maintain our “social distance.” I will be as distant as possible – isolating myself to the point of insanity, but at least I will be germ-free.

A small part of me longs for the good-old days – before disinfectant wipes and sanitizing gel were invented. We thought nothing of holding hands, wiping tears from our eyes or sharing our already-chewed gum. Even though we were germ-laden, infection-spreading fools, life had a certain happy, carefree nature about it. Those were the days.

Now I wouldn’t re-chew somebody’s gum for all the pork at a pig roast. Instead, I wait for the vaccine while living a smart life.

I have become so smart that I’ve come up with a way to use this H1N1 virus to make me a little richer. How? I’m going to buy some stock in hand-sanitizing gel and disinfecting wipes. It’s a sure-fire winner of an investment. I’d bet my piggy bank on it.

Jill Pertler is a syndicated columnist and award-winning freelance writer. She appreciates your comments and can be reached at pertmn@qwest.net, or you can check out her Web site at http://marketing-by-design.home.mchsi.com/.