History chronicles countless acts of bravery and heroism against insurmountable odds by men through the ages. A shepherd boy slaying a giant with only a slingshot; 300 fearless Spartans holding off a massive Persian army of thousands at Thermopylae; George Washington defeating a superior force of Red Coats with a ragtag army of untrained, poorly-equipped soldiers … and, of course, any guy trying to find a Valentines Day gift for his significant other!
I am sure that the very thought of buying a suitable Valentines Day gift would cause even brave King David, loin cloth-wearing Spartan warriors, or General George himself to run away, screaming like little girls being pursued by a cootie-infested 10-year-old boy! When faced with this same challenge, I too, must resist the urge to heed my tiny bit of French ancestry and immediately surrender at the thought of finding a gift for my wife.
After 18 years of marriage, and more than a couple Feb. 14th evenings sleeping on the couch next to Moon Pie, our abnormally flatulent dog, I have compiled a few DOs and DON’Ts, which might help other beleaguered guys as they struggle to find the right gift for their wives or girlfriends.
• DO buy your lady a box of chocolates. DON’T buy her a box of chocolates and eat your favorite ones first, then justify it by saying something like, “Didn’t you say you wanted to lose a few pounds? I thought I was doing you a favor!”
• DO make the love of your life a romantic candlelit dinner at home. DON’T try to defend your menu choice by saying, “What do you mean I’m cheap, honey? I did super size it, didn’t I?”
• DO buy your wife tasteful intimate apparel from a respectable boutique. DON’T buy your wife lingerie from a novelty store, which requires batteries to power the digital sign attached to the skivvies, which reads ‘Hot Momma.’
• DO write her a beautiful poem or, if musically inclined, a love song extolling her many virtues and incomparable beauty. DON’T write her a poem trying to rhyme her name with things only men like. Let’s be honest, ‘Barb’ does not rhyme with ‘Favre,’ does it?
• DO take your significant other on a weekend away to some exotic location. DON’T forget the definition of ‘exotic’ location does not include a Bass Pro Shop, Cabella’s, bowling alley, or Buffalo Wild Wings!
• DO buy her a large bouquet of flowers. DON’T tell her you got them from a buddy of yours who works for a funeral parlor. I actually know a guy who did this, and let’s just say he and his couch are on first-name basis.
And if I could impart just one more crucial bit of advice from a guy who now realizes deep freezers, vacuum cleaners, toaster ovens and health-club memberships aren’t wise choices for romantic Valentine’s Day gifts … whatever you think is a good gift idea, just do the exact opposite and there’s a pretty good chance you’ll live to see another Feb. 14. www.nmfredrickson.com. © 2010, N.M. Fredrickson, All Rights Reserved.